Wednesday, July 1, 2015

And then it was Canada Day...

…and across the country we celebrated. From sea to shining sea, we stood on guard for thee, and for one day out of the year we were at our most Canadian.

I was no different, I can happily admit I was as caught up in the magic of what formerly was Dominion Day as anyone. The sound of the crowd has an effect on me that is both well documented and undenied. Over the course of Canada day I did all of the following:

I apologized. Constantly.

I promised I would do things to help the environment.

I did not do things to help the environment.

I was a smug dick to Americans, particularly on the subjects of health care and the democratic process...

…and, through it all, the hits of Kim Mitchell played in my headphones. On repeat, again and again, to set the mood.

Because we, as a nation, are never more Canadian than when we are listening to Kim Mitchell.

No other country would ever in a million years put up with that….

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Weekly Prompt Story: Tramp

Spring Break
By Christopher Munroe

Nobody knows how tattoo ink came to be tainted with hallucinogenic drugs.

Maybe it was a problem with their manufacture, or perhaps somebody thought it funny to spike them, but there’s no way of knowing for certain, now.

Anyone who might have had answers is dead, after all…

What we do know is that, during Spring Break, close to two thousand young women, fresh tattoos on their lower backs, were suddenly thrown into uncontrollable, murderous rage.

We did what we could to get away from them.

But by then it was too late.

We were caught up in the Tramp-Stampede…

Friday, June 26, 2015

Kanye West

Kanye West once famously claimed to be a god, but has anybody ever actually worshipped him? Like, full on, Sunday services, preaching the gospel of Versace, Jesus Walks-style worship?

If not, Could we?

I mean, I don’t understand the precise mechanism that was used, but I do know that in Australia an online campaign and some census-based shenanigans led to “Jedi” becoming a recognized, relatively popular faith down under. I can’t imagine it’d be that much more difficult here. It’d take more people, to be sure, but there are a lot more people from whom to find interested potential converts, and at the end of the day who WOULDN’T want to worship Kanye West?

He already has confirmed miracles on the record, after all. For example, the continued existence of his career after half the things he’s said on television. Or Diamonds From Sierra Leone, that tune was killer...

I am not being arch there, Diamonds From Sierra Leone was a hot track. Get the version with the Jay-Z verse, you’ll see what I mean. For his faults as a human, Kanye knows his way around a tune.

With this, plus the sizable name recognition the man commands, in mind, it seems a cinch that five to ten percent of a given country, atheists and agnostics mainly but still, could be persuaded by a sufficiently amusing online campaign to participate in some similar manner of census-based shenanigans, should the law in Canada, or for that matter the States, prove to be similar to that of Australia and census-based shenanigans be all that was required.

I’m not sure we could get people to “Do” anything for this, but I bet we could convince them to check the “Other” box for religion and write in “Kanye-ism” if doing so would create a new religion to add to the pantheon of the West.

Pardon the pun.

And, if we can do this, shouldn’t we? Some would say no, indeed some would say that being able to do something is among the worst reasons to actually do that thing, but to those I say: Whom would it hurt, to check a box and write in a word? Nobody I can see, and it would provide an amusing little trifle with which to pass the time…

And Kanye would appreciate, I think, finally receiving the worship he appears to believe he deserves…

It would be fun.

And, when entering into the Church of Yeezy West, the Latter-day Saint, we would always remember: Bring the man his damn croissant.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Weekly Prompt Story: Wave

...a day late due to Horror Con, but here it is nevertheless!

By Christopher Munroe

I’m not too old to hit up a nightclub.

I mean, an alternative club, and basically only on retro night every other week, but still, proof of concept. I can still go dancing, and by god I do!

Scene kids in our thirties, now, enjoying one another’s company in impeccable style, soundtracked by the goth/indie tunes of the ‘80s and 90s, and fun is had every damn time.

It’s an important part of who I am.

And when the Pixies play, you better believe I’m on the floor…

On a wave of mutilation.

Wave of mutilation.

Wave of mutilation.


Friday, June 19, 2015


They spent years working, the programmers, and as they did they grew closer to one another than they ever thought they would. But however hard they tried they couldn’t quite develop the system of their dreams. They knew that artificial sentience, artificial life, was within humanity’s grasp, but however close they came it always seemed one step further away.

He lapsed into despair, on occasion. She did what she could to keep his spirits up. And, he realized as they worked side by side, month after month, he was growing over time to love her for that.

And she, not that he knew this, was growing to feel the same.

One night, in a bleak mood after one more failed test run, he commented that he was considering packing it in, giving up once and for all, that the project they’d undertaken was simply too much, too complex for them to accomplish. He told her they were wasting their time attempting such a major stride when they could simply settle down somewhere in the private sector, make themselves very wealthy indeed and allow artificial sentience to happen upon humanity as it would, in the fullness of time.

And, much though she hated to admit it, she found herself agreeing. Progress had been slow to nil, and she too had developed her doubts, much though she loved both the work and the man she was working with. But love, even true love, is not enough to justify a fundamentally failed endeavor and, embracing him, she agreed that yes, their quest to create artificial life was finally over.

“After all,” she added with a blush as she pulled back from the embrace, “we could always just create life the old fashioned way, if we wanted it that much…”

Seventeen years later, after the bodies had been buried, at the trial, they couldn’t help but regret the decision.

It turns out they were even worse parents than they were programmers…

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Weekly Prompt Story: Ounce

By Christopher Munroe

And ounce of prevention, they say, is worth a pound of cure.

And if that’s true, what would a pound of prevention be worth? Or a tonne?

What if we could prevent everything? Surely this would be the ultimate cure, solving every problem, everywhere, forever?

To this end, I’ve devoted my life to the concept of entropy, the idea that all systems in time inevitably break down, and spent my effort doing whatever I could to speed up the process.

Because prevention is greater than cure.

And in that light, the heat death of the universe can’t come quickly enough…

Thursday, June 11, 2015

The Future

We’ve put a robot the size of an SUV on the surface of Mars.

I know this, because I’ve been in communication with said robot.

I subscribe to it, you see, and it sends me messages via a computer the size of a planet that we built by combining every computer on earth and allowing them to communicate with one another.

I access this planetary supercomputer via a phone that itself has more computational power than the shuttle we used to travel to the Moon nine years before my birth.

Oh, yes, and we travelled to the Moon. Nearly a decade before my birth.

While we were walking on the Moon, Mars was the stuff of stories, defined to us only by that which we imagined it might be. Now we have a presence there, learning what it can that we might one day go there in person and sending the information back to Earth, back to me, back to anyone interested enough to pay attention.

We have a robot the size of an SUV on the fucking surface of fucking Mars, and it is my friend on Twitter, and we made that happen. Humanity did that. We reached up into the heavens and put that robot there and it shows us what it sees and any and every one of us has the ability to watch it, it is the future that we are living in and it is a glorious fucking future indeed.

But I digress…

You were saying something about how you think we as a culture have gotten dumber due to our choices in popular media?